Honoring my Difference

 

Its easy to be my own worst critic. What if I took time to turn that around?

What's up my Outcasts. The seekers of the Real. 

 

It's been awhile since I dropped something. There's a part of me that felt compelled to write on a frequency, but I wasn't at the capacity of said frequency. Now I have something I want to write about and it has to do with Honoring my Difference. 

Last we crossed paths, I dropped the final installment of the Honor the Armor series, a fast masterpiece in of itself. I served it the day and time of my solar return and I felt it was fitting because as the Warrior did, a big chunk of me had to die for me to live. 

Unfortunately, and much like something you start to do, I still wrestle with certain aspects of myself day in and day out, that seem to show up when there is a hint or perception of something being off and going wrong. When this happens, I can become cruel to myself and harshly wonder why I'm not as successful as other sons, men, husbands, fathers, and creatives. Each question of worth becoming a dagger to the 'me' I want best to figure out and be. 

But questions isn't what I'm here for today. Nor am I here to continue the trend of self pity, self loathing, or self judgement for things that may or may not be within my control. Today I take some time to think of, feel, and appreciate the things that make me who I am in the best ways possible, including the blind spots I have. 

 

Love is at My Core

 From a young age, I have glowed with a light of love and care for my people, and over the past few years, a growing love for myself in the sense of really taking time to take care of myself. 

When it comes to my people, I make my presence known and always try my best to let them know that if they need me I'm there with no restrictions or restraints. I'd always go in full throttle hoping that the same effort would be met. 

There's something about love and care of someone that sends a spark through me. I've always connected to love and people in a deep way, even in situations where it wasn't reciprocated. We live in a world now where love is needed and that seed can be planted without much of any expectations. 

But it sure does feel even better to get it back in a similar and unique way, up close or from afar.

 

Empathy and wits go a long way

Listening and relating to others deeply builds trust and rapport and fortunately that is something I have that is a bit of an unsung gift that I'm grateful for. There's a saying that those who tell stories rule the world, and everyone has a story so there are ways to captivate people, but only if you are on the frequency to receive and genuinely listen and relate. 

Many of us go through similar situations. Sure there may be some elements worth comparing to, but really though, we all have high moments. We all fall low. But having someone there when the chips are down or when life batters us and throws us off a cliff, someone being there to listen can literally save a life. I've been that saving grace many times even from afar. People have been that for me too. 

Presence makes life itself more bearable, and one such way to strengthen that net that catches us all is to find a way to laugh at it sometimes. Poke fun at things, even the crappy parts and laugh. Cracking jokes lightens the load on those involved. I've had days turn around in an instant especially when I was having a rough moment, and to do that for someone else is something I am truly appreciative for, especially when I wasn't always this witty (I was a cornball in elementary and junior high school because I tried way too hard to fit in!) 

 

I drink (Tea and Water) and I know things

Claire-cognition is one hell of a gift to have. Doesn't make me a genius by any means... If I was, I wouldn't make all the mistakes I've made. Took me a bit to figure out what it was, but what's funny is my Wife would always tell me not to jinx things, because whenever I would say something would happen, it usually did... Often in ways that contributed to our misadventures through life, marriage, and parenting. 

But this is something I always had, that inner knowing about something happening or something out of place. I had a knack for uncovering possibilities before those possibilities became known. 

Maybe it's supported by intuition or instinct. Maybe it's a combination of both. But when it happens it's uncanny how accurate it can be. Nothing major, usual small scale hunches that seem to pay off. Like at work when I'm not able to pull something one way, an idea will pop up to try a different way, or maybe contact a different organization because there's a variable that sticks out and could work. 

As I said before, most of the time this occurred in a negative circumstance, but there are times where I can read situations, people, and rooms and chances are, I'd be spot on or pretty damn close to what crossed my mind. 

This is, of course, a gift as well as a curse as certain hunches lead me down a path of panic, anxiety, and overthought to brace myself for something... Anything going wrong because Murphy's Law always lingered in my mind. 

But even so, this is a gift unique to me that I am very appreciative of. It's fascinating how it works with just the right nudge, just like something I'll touch on later. 

 

My Experiences make me resourceful

I've been risk adverse a lot of my life, often shying away from conflict. However, I have engaged in many different experiences that have shaped me to become resourceful in other situations, often the not so nice or grueling ones. 

The experiences I've had opened my mind to other possibilities, yes. But ultimately it allowed me to get into a space of thinking about tools and resources, and if I didn't know what was available, I'd dig into the bases to find it and a way to make it happen or preserve it. 

One such situation was 2018 when my whole world went dark. I had to take this shadow phase of my life and make the most of it. I figured since I slept in a parking lot at work 4 nights a week, I could shower in the mornings right before. I'd take naps in the cafeteria right afterwards and I'd be ready for my 10-hour shifts. 

When I was separated the first time in 2020, to have a work desk, I salvaged a wooden baby crib and flipped it to my needs. Sure, I dumpster dove to get some parts and I'm not the best of handymen, but I found a way to make it work, and that's something to this day I am so proud of. 

That's honestly something I have to remind myself of when I get terrified of uncertainty. I can learn, grow, and find resources to see my way through, or out of a situation. 

 

Unique Creativity

This is a gift and yet also something I have struggled with - respecting my own unique way of creating and not comparing it to others. 

I am a writer and I have a unique style and theme to what and how I convey my characters or messages. Unfortunately, I haven't the thickest skin when it comes to my written works being critiqued so that I can make it better. When I first started with my critique group, the feedback I'd get, instead of taking it in a positive light, it wounded me because such "holes" let me know my boat was having struggles sailing along the ocean of possibility. I am learning to overcome that and turn it into a puzzle activity to refine what I write and yet keep my unique voice and purpose: tell stories that talk about struggle, redemption, and comeuppance in the world. 

I blend many disciplines and borrow from different genres and media's that I am into such as Comics, Manga, and Cartoons or Anime. I'm a nerd at heart, and I honor that with what I put down. I, too, had to survive some things and come to terms with the darkest parts of myself, and that is why I do what I do here at Complex Compositions. 

To be able to put something together and share it/them with the world is something I'd been wanting to do since I was 10 years old in the 3rd grade working on short stories and trying to draw comics. It's still real to me even though I doubt myself a lot because I don't have the views, venues, marketing machines or know how's that other creatives do. 

My presentation doesn't glow or glitter. It's spotty and sporadic and at times, bland and secretive... But you know what, that is me too. Why should I feel bad about that when everything I put out can be a glimmer of hope for someone aspiring to let their voice be heard as well? 

This ties into one more thing I want to highlight about me - and this is the hail Mary of it all. 

 

My Rhythm is Right for Me

For the past couple of days, I've been really asking myself why I don't have the drive that other people do. 
Why I don't market like other writers do. 
Why I don't parent like everyone that has "good children" does. 
Why I don't push to get to the top like other "successful" people do. 
Why I'm not running multiple businesses and gathering residual income like everyone else. 
Why I'm not on TikTok and YouTube like so many others and creating content to make money. 

The answer is surprisingly simple, even though many won't get it or critique my approach to life. 

But seriously though, none of that is me or my rhythm.

I naturally want to move in ways that others don't. And as I get older, it's becoming more and more prevalent. Sure I may quietly compare myself to others and wonder but, I am a "respond to the moment" kind of person. 

That doesn't mean I'm lazy or have no drive, purpose, standards, or ambition. What it means is if I am not stimulated to do it in the now... If I don't get that spark from a person or object or even an idea... I will not commit to doing it. This preserves my energy, my focus, and my peace. 

I've tried the social media grind a few times on different platforms, but I didn't have the spark to continue day in and day out. I did several versions of a podcast and stopped because I didn't have the spark to continue anymore. I thought about learning graffiti in the moment and a day or two later, I never started to take lessons. 

I know to many it sounds like laziness or fear to those that are structured, disciplined, and dedicated to the cause, but deep down it isn't. I'm meant to respond in kind to stimulus, not conjure up a long range attack plan from my mind...at least not from scratch. 

Not to force myself forward with pressure and tension, although that is a part of life. I don't hustle. I don't grind. I try my best not to force or control the flow of things. It does not mean I am doomed to a life of mediocrity. It just means that I have to honor the stop and go as it comes; the possibility of my path taking much longer than those who take the straight, tried, and true path - the one that works for them.

This is a hard lesson for me because of my inner critic that reminds me that I'm behind where I'm at in life right now. 

But what is life if we cannot enjoy it and make a difference on our terms? Sometimes it is best to slow down and maybe even repeat some steps until we are set to progress. Even if it takes a whole lifetime. Sure tomorrow ain't promised today in this hurry up and get it now society, but what matters more? Speed, or how we feel during the journey? 

I'll take option two anytime. It's why I felt compelled to not apply to a newly opened Supervisor position for a third time. Love my job, but that position didn't resonate with me in the least, even if it paid a bit more money. There will be other opportunities that will give me that spark. 

 

So these are some of the things that I honor most about me. This was therapeutic in more ways than one and it shows me my worth in a tangible way. 

For those of you that are questioning your life, or your inner critic is trying to choke you out from the inside, I encourage you to do this little exercise. 

What are five things that make you worthwhile and unique? 

Jot them down and honor those traits with some thanks today. 

You'll honor yourself as well, and that matters! 

 

#Unskrypted #StillHere #OpenLoops #KnowThySelf #Gratitude