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| Do you know Who you really are? Not your titles or accolades, but who you are? Its time you get to know thy self |
"To thy own self be true" - Polonius (Hamlet)
As of this writing, my family and I are bracing for, what's supposed to be, a wicked snowstorm that will hope fully surpass the Blizzard of 96 - if you know you know. My kids need to experience one hell of a winter storm and get their asses out there and swim in it ðŸ¤.
But I'm not here to talk about or compare the storms on the outside. I'm here to chat a bit about what lays within ourselves - yes, the truest form of ourselves.
Too often, we live our lives in the service of others, or rather, at their expense to be seen, loved, cared for, or valued by others. We want to impress those around us. Some of us go to great lengths to appease those that either don't give a shit about you, come around for a season, or are completely lost in their lives themselves. Some, like myself, have fallen into the loop of living for "Love" or to give our love away with ease to anyone and everyone we come across - because we feel a certain kind of way, a certain spark, or that "they really get me".
We give so much of ourselves away that the true form of ourselves grieves because we've seemingly lost ourselves for a meaningless or lost cause.
It took me a painful point in my life to take just a moment to question what I was doing in life, and ultimately -
"Who the FUCK are you?"
This one question began the journey to get to know myself, which opened the door for five years (and counting) of questions and discovery through many different means. Ways that don't jive with whats been advertised as the one true way.
Today, I'm going to talk a smidge about what led me to get to know myself, in hopes that you see the treasure buried inside of you and start figuring out (and valuing) just who the fuck you are.
How My "Know Thy Self" Journey Started
Without going fully into the ups and downs because we'd be here longer than just a few minutes, I was freshly separated. My Wife was seeing someone and it tore at my heart. It felt like the entire fabric of who I was , was dying. I was becoming undone. I was terrified to be alone and raise three kids (she's no deadbeat parent mind you, its just that at the time they resided with me majority of the time).
Prior to that, I'd have a history of getting in and out of relationships. I'd see myself as the victim because to my young mind, I was unlovable. Things were always going wrong in my relationships and from a young age, I "decided" that my purpose in life was to love someone, get married, have children, and that was it. Everything else was bonus. But the people I chose, no matter how much I tried things fell apart. Either they had inside issues, or it was me struggling to convey how difficult it was to manage a long distance relationship while serving in the military. Hell, one of my exes used to say on MySpace "Love em and Leave em". She paraded that shit as her moniker, and looking back at all of the experiences I've had - I wonder if that's the path I also took because all I wanted was the good shit, not the hardship (damn - thats a bar!) . I wanted, and still do want, the good shit. The romance, the intimacy - all of it. If something felt off I was on my way out, no recovery just zoom into the next one so I didn't feel the blow of being alone when EVERYONE ELSE was fucking around and having a blast with someone they were with or committed to.
Yes, I admit that and I own the fact that I couldn't stop trying so hard to love someone else. But that's because I didn't see value in me. I didn't love me because I didn't know it was a thing, nor did I learn how TO love me. For a guy that's hid the fact that he's either dated, messed around with, chased, or was pursued by over 60 women in my time, this was hard to come to terms with, and this is something that I am still coming to terms with. It is part of knowing myself.
Back to the initial separation, rather than linger on a broken heart and do what I always did (which the doing what I always did did NOT help me), something clicked. I started to find ways to heal. I started consuming things to help me heal and understand life itself.
I watched "zen" YouTube videos.
I started reading and meditation.
I resumed journal writing after over 15 years not doing it (I've been at it now since my journey started and I love it)
And most of all, I started to QUESTION things.
Why Did This Happen?
Why Am I So Hurt?
Why Am I Afraid to be Alone?
What Do I truly Need?
What Are My Truest Qualities?
Where Do I Need to Come to Terms with Myself? (Shadows)
Those last three questions would become the foundation of getting to know myself. To find the answers I needed to do two key things: Research and Reflect.
Research and Reflection - Taking Inventory from Within
One of my few guy friends who I consider my bro, Agent F, introduced me to something when we reconnected after over a decade of losing touch. He told me about Human Design in a nutshell and I was intrigued. I took it as a sign that I needed to explore this. Something inside me lit up, which I'd later learn is something that lets me know if something is worth pursuing or not. I did the research, got my chart and started exploring. Hell I even did a case study on myself comparing what I discovered to different astrology disciplines.
As I read and heard descriptions for the different faucets in my chart, I couldn't help but feel right at home. Everything made a ton of sense for me and brought me relief through understanding. Same thing for Gene Keys, Enneagrams, Discovering I'm an ENFJ-A Type. All of these gave me a wave of satisfaction with answers and confirmations to remind me that I am someone special and unique with my own needs even if they don't jive with anyone else's path. I still wrestle with that part of course, but I am getting a bit better at it.
Of course, what good is information you research if you don't reflect on it. As I mentioned earlier, writing down my thoughts is my go to detox. I've lost count now on how many journals I've filled out from page to page (and still going). I am a hand writer through and through. It really helps me channel whats buried deep inside my mind, my heart and my soul. Sometimes its scary. Other times its just small talk. But its truly comforting to be able to let whatever lingers within me just flow.
It's through these methods I identified above that I learned I am a very sensual person. I'm kind of a horn dog too not gonna lie, but at the same time I can't flow the way I've flowed for most of my adult life to date.
I am learning to value my space. Though I do enjoy time with my people whenever our timing aligns, I also need my periods of seclusion, which is something I was not aware of. As a writer it makes sense that I venture off to myself and spend time brainstorming or diving into my craft. Hell, I don't even do multi-player campaigns anymore in games that have that capability. I'm a lone wolf that loves to experience the story and make sense of it. I need my time to reflect as well, and that requires me to have dedicated time alone. This contrasts with my pursuit of love, connections, and bonds which directly ties into being a type 2/4 in Human Design (The Hermit- Introverted Type/The Opportunist- The Net worker). Understanding this brought me warmth.
I share this with you to highlight one thing - take a moment to pause and ask yourself who are you inside and what you truly want out of life. Put all the bullshit aside that society demands of you and really ask yourself those questions. Record yourself as you talk them out. Write them down. Break them down into lists. Draw them out. Make songs if that's your thing. Whatever works for you, take the time and start there. Trust me, you will not regret it. Even if you don't really know. Write something down. Something you've always wondered. Maybe something you've seen or heard that made you light up and say I wonder about that. Sometimes, it takes us sitting down and going back to our childhood to re-discover the answers to those questions. Speaking of, I have something to share about diving back into my childhood.
My Rejected Inner Child in The Storm
I had a vision awhile back, probably about two years ago that still resonates me to this day, and a part of me feels a ping of regret because I hadn't stepped back to pay a visit to my inner self through meditation in quite some time.
I remember I was walking in darkness. Lightning flickering within thick clouds was all that I could see. I used the flashes as my guiding light. As I stepped, the flashes got more violent, visceral. Then I saw it. Some kind of beacon.
As I approached, the lightning strikes started to hit the ground. An aura started to glow around me. It seemed to attract the lightning strikes more and more, which drove me to dash forward to hope to find cover and find out what that beacon was.
A child's voice hummed during the strikes, telling me to get away. To leave him alone. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but the voice sounded - familiar.
His voice got clearer as I approached, he was crying and starting to yell like he knew I was getting closer to him. The lightning crackling and snapping closer to me. My aura and the beacon's light - both shades of blue, started to pulse and expand the closer I got. I kept dodging lightning strikes to finally reach the beacon.
A boy sat with his face buried in his knees. He was shouting at me "What are you doing here?!! Get Away"
His face shot up with tears streaming down his face and my heart sank. I knew that face. I knew the charlie brown orange and black striped shirt he wore. The corduroy black pants and the New Balance sneakers. It was me. 4 year old me fresh from CES 28. Yes, I had a full head of hair back then (laugh, I sure did).
I stepped forward and called myself by name. I said "Easy, its cool. I don't know how I ended up here, but I'm here now. It's just me. Is it okay if I just...sit with you."
Young me is unsure if that was a good idea. he was so used to not being seen. Being ignored. Being abandoned and closed off. He pointed at me and said "Why show up now? You left me here. Left me alone!"
I didn't know what he meant, until I did. This version of me was my real, carefree self.
Before being told what to do.
Before being told that writing would not pay the bills.
Before being told money didn't grow on trees and I needed to safe for rainy day.
Before being one with the shelter systems in New York for almost an entire year.
Before thriving in a school system to become just another worker.
Before joining the military to become a man, because being at home I was failing at it by hanging with the boys.
Before I got married and had children.
Before fear became my compass along with doubt and scarcity.
Before I ended up homeless, sleeping in my car so my family could have what they needed.
Before I became just a working family man, and a father that struggled and clawed to find his own "right" way.
Before I got twisted up in affairs from up close and afar just to feel some kind of love, intimacy and attraction to make up for what I lost most: MYSELF
It all flooded in my mind at once. I stared at myself and dropped to my knees, lightning still cackling and I said "I fucked up bad Max but - I'm here now. There's so much I want to say and share with you, if you'll let me."
He tried to hold a scowl as the tears continued to fall, but I could see his eyes change from gray to brown. A flicker of life. Perhaps a spark to make amends. He nodded his head and I walked into the beacon, taking a seat next to him...and we just talked. I told him everything that happened to me, and you should have seen his face. He was astounded. Amazed. Shocked. Even saddened by what I went through. But I told him some constants that would remain going forward.
I would tap in and remember where I come from.
I'd revisit who I am truly supposed to be.
I'd continue to pave the way to my Writing career, or rather my Writing Web of Consciousness because it was his dream before I could manifest it.
That I would stand for my family no matter what happens or what it looks like.
I remember seeing him nod and then asking for a hug, something I too wanted very much so. I hugged him, and our auras combined and flashed a brilliant light that phased out the storm itself.
Getting to Know Thy Self
I share this vision with you because I wanted to bring awareness to one key fact. We all have an origin story. We all have a little kid version of us before everything that happened. Many of us drown out and abandon that inner child to fit into what society, our family, our friends, or people we love/ are attracted to expect or want from us.
They want us to conform.
They want us to bend.
They want us to GRIND and HUSTLE for titles and accolades at the top of the mountain that aren't even the apex of our lives.
They want us to break our backs to achieve, to accomplish all our goals that never seem to end.
They want us to influence, to be popular, to be viral, to get millions of followers and subscribers just because its a fucking badge of honor.
They want us to make money the forefront of everything we do so we can show off that hard work pays off at the expense of our truest form of well-being; knowing damn well that our aching and deteriorating bodies and minds keep score of our wreck-less abandonment to survive and thrive.
They want us to take all these supplements to "feel good" and "look fabulous" for decades to come while we drown in the dread of keeping up with the joneses.
No matter where we go, how high we climb, what we accomplish, many of us neglect and ignore our inner child. Some of us go on to become parents ourselves, how crazy is that?
Its our abandoned child and these unanswered questions about ourselves that become codes of trauma. The generational curses we absorbed because generations past didn't know how to, or didn't give a damn about knowing themselves. They had to SURVIVE!
But you can CHANGE. You can be DIFFERENT!
Your way will be different from my way to rediscovering and knowing yourself, but here's the thing. You have to start with the question "Who the FUCK Are You?"
Get to know what truly makes you unique. What is it that makes you tick? What motivate or drives you? What do you like or like to do?
Pull everyone else out of it. Pull what you think they will say out of it. Pull your popularity or visibility out of it! Inner you wants YOU to be real. To be vulnerable. To be TRUE. If you like watching Anime like I do, fuck it be a proud nerd! Write your fan-fiction! Geek out! Fuck it, it brings you life!
You love pro-wrestling? Go catch some shows. Go to indie-events!
You enjoy reading or writing Rom-coms? Go do that! Its in you! That is who you are!
Own up to who you are and embody that shit, because nobody else can or WILL do it like you. If there are some shadow points you discover that you want to work on, you work on them one step at a time. You don't have to rush or do it like those that want to get the praise for doing it fast or a certain way.
Yes I am also talking to myself because being real me has been a struggle. I compare myself to other people for so many reasons, namely their marriages or relationships, or how their family is so mild mannered, how all these authors are able to market themselves with ease and write novels multiple times a year..and here I am like shit some days I don't even want to write anything. Some days I just don't have the energy and then the next day boom. Thats my rhythm, and that's part of knowing myself! I shouldn't be comparing because its a trap.
Comparing me to them is me saying I want to be them and NOT MYSELF! I don't want to live that way, and neither should you.
Lastly, knowing thy self means you accept who you are and what you've been through or done. Knowing yourself understands the grass roots level of what happened and the thoughts that contributed to the actions that took place. Again, that takes Research and Reflection and is not an overnight kind of thing. It may take weeks, months, years, even a whole lifetime. You may even need therapy (which I highly recommend) or a spiritual guide that's really about the people vs the payout. Whatever it takes to help facilitate your inner growth, take the road that vibes with you.
Don't let anyone or anything pressure you against what resonates with innermost you.
We treat others with respect more than we respect ourselves, its time to pay it forward to ourselves. For those of us, like me, that have hurt other people or have done or said things that hurt, its time to forgive and let it go. The more we hold on, the less we have space to get to know and heal ourselves.
As I close this, I'll leave you with three quotes that I hope will encourage you to look more inward, and get to Know Thy Self. Let me know what you think your favorite one means in the comments (if you know of another quote that talks knowing thy self, please throw it in the comments as well!)
"Circumstances don't make the man. They only reveal himself to himself. " - Epictetus
"No man is free who is NOT the master of himself." - Epictetus
"I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false and to incur my own abhorrence." -Frederick Douglas.
#CompassChecks #StillHere #SelfDiscovery #KnowThySelf #SelfCare #IAmRonin #Outcasts
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