The Crash Out: The Cards That Fall

 

I've been dealt a pretty tough hand lately, but what am I going to do about it?

As I sit here on my bed, I realize that I have a lot going on in my head. A lot of unsure thoughts or feelings that linger on like a monks chants. 

My last blog I talked about Who the F*ck Are You - a question that I frequently ask a myself as I look myself in the mirror. 
As I contemplate my moves past, present, and future. 
As I nod at my successes, and curse a long line of my mistakes overtime. 

I hate the feeling of being behind. 

Of not being good enough. 

Of not fitting in. 

Of not being like - everybody else out in the world being a responsible adult. 

And yet, it's like "so what? You're unique my friend. Embrace that. Lean into that. Be who the fuck you are." 
No two things in nature are the same, and the same is said of people and their experiences. Their likes and dislikes. And to be real, I'm not with the fuckery that's running rampant, both outer world and my own inner world. 

I've spent my most recent days watching the world outside of me crumble piece by piece, and allow it to serve as a reflection of my inner world - that something is off about me and what's happening. But in truth, I'm in a transition of sorts. My own version of a directors cut of a Crash Out, and if it's anything like I've seen every seven years of my life 6 times, this one is going to be quite the build and payoff, so hang the fuck on. 

 The Origin of My Discarded Insights

 I've been dabbling in Tarot Cards for a smidge of time, just shy of a year. In some ways I feel like I'm in between gates of knowledge. A commoner and a sorcerer that has the backing of the infinite of the Arcane. Sometimes I'll even question my own take and look up the general definition of what each card pull means. A work in progress that requires trust in my inner self. 

Lately I've been getting pulled into it in a different way and as I've pulled cards I've noticed pulling a lot of Pentacles and Wands, but major cards, these are, to me, warnings from the Universe that I should truly heed. Maybe they've already been coming to pass in the form of this mental and spiritual crash out. 

 Dealing in Death ☠️ 

 I've dealt in Death quite a few times. That's like my main man right there. That, to me doesn't symbolize the end in a terrible way, but rather a transition into another form of life. 

Perhaps it means a new train of thought, or even transitioning to a different form of love, one not based on just lust and attraction but one of depth, understanding, maybe even healthy compromise. 

Maybe it's the death of old ways of thinking and doing. But my ego clings to the negativity blanket its known and seen and experienced for so long in my life. First time I was dealt Death was in a Spiritual Reading and it was all about my deceased marriage. 

The guidance was admit defeat. Stop fighting and clinging. Let it die. I didn't know what it meant, but the heaviness I felt was like I carried blocks of ice in my heart... Feelings I knew all too well every time a relationship didn't go right. 

But through this death, I started to come to life, to question and see what it is that truly matters when I trekked through the grave. Ashes to Ashes dust to dust... And back anew. Perhaps it's my thoughts and actions that needed to perish, and they finally are....or so I want them to. 

 The Fall of The Tower 🗼 

 I did a Tarot read by way of a sort of zodiac spread via an app. I know... Apps are tricky. However, I witnessed another card that wasn't as frequent as the Death Card, but to me it's a similar theme: The Tower. 

The Tower is full of chaos, madness, destruction, upheaval. Themes I've experienced every seven years of my life. Something in my life always fell apart and left me spent, scared, down in the dumps, self loathing and blaming myself for not being who I am supposed to be aka like every other man or husband or father or provider or successful adult... So that I could prevent the collapses in my life from happening. 

The Tower Card fell in my Capricorn, dealing directly with structures and standards in my life. Capricorns are all about that. They stick to standards and ethics as a means to guard their groundedness and for those they care for. They are the rule bookers and will hold you to that, as I know all too well through an ex I had a fallout with yet again, my daughter's, and a friend I'd known since elementary school that I still chop up with. They grind hard to hold themselves up and accountable and expect everyone around them to do the same even if they come off as pompous, arrogant, and gunge-ho about the grind and what's right. 

Without structure, the likely-hood of collapse and failure of contingency is very high. The Tower in Capricorn warned me of collapse of my standards and what I've stood for, and with it I too would fall. 

The hero meets the dark night of the soul... 

And to be honest, that's where I feel I am in life. Stagnant, stuck, and terrified to make a wrong move that would distance me further from others like me, cause me conflict, or leave me without a means to take care of me and mine. 

And yet, the hero has to be tested by constantly falling. The hero has to, at some point take a brutal loss and rise from the ashes like a phoenix with the understanding that sometimes doing the right thing cannot save you from the inevitable nature of time and existence. That chaos and uncertainty will always accompany periods of peace and stability. 

The epitome of balance that I, as a Libra stand for and seek to master. 

 Two Blades, Many Battles ⚔️

Another Card that I've pulled that symbolizes my life more than some of the others is the Two of Swords. This card, reversed and upright, kind of represent the same theme or outcome. It talks about being stuck and making tough decisions you aren't sure to make, and to be honest this is kinda the story of my life to date, especially when it comes to love and career to make the bag. 

I've been a mixed bag when it's come to love. 

Seriously, I'm no angel. I'm complex as fuck and I've made some shit choices in my time. I've gone back and forth with people because I went with the "feeling is my brain" mentality, meaning if it feels good pursue, if it feels left pursue someone else. It's been one of my biggest issue and I'm coming to terms with that as I make move to a better future. 

But I still carry the weight of decisions, especially as a Libra. I could really use work on my decisiveness. 

I'm someone who doesn't default to wanting to ruffle feathers or have people turn on me, or to downright hurt someone without motive, but truth is I have hurt people... Sometimes in some really bad ways with actions, secrets or hidden truths only I know about. These, to me, are all machinations of the Two of Swords at play, a theme that has been embedded in my life. 

The irony: I've only pulled this card twice. 

I've also been stuck in scenarios and places because I got too comfortable or it was easy to get what I need... But I was becoming more and more brooding, disappointed, tired. Safety of the now was better than the fear of uncertainty that I sometimes wrestle with to the point it paralyzes me. I don't have confidence in making the right choice sometimes, so I'd choose to wither in the silence of the stat quo. 

This card tells me what I don't wanna hear, the way you live your life is all about choices. Make a choice and move where the flow takes you, don't fear it or the people that are effected by your decision. In the end you go where you need to go... No permission needed or questions asked... And that's scary for me... And yet I'd expect the same from my children, to make the hard calls. 

This is yet another paradox of my psyche, the reality check I didn't know I'd need. 

What Does It All Mean for Me?  

 I've pulled many more cards than this, some really good ones, but I needed to focus on what shook me to my core. These cards don't mean I am doom and gloom as I originally thought. But now, I want to really reflect on what it can all mean for me going forward, and perhaps answer the question of why I feel so disconnected from the way things were before with myself as a person and the world around me on the outside. 

I consider this Alchemy from my Intuition. 

Death doesn't necessarily mean the final end.

Death scares a lot of us because we worry about so much before it even happens, not realizing that in Death there's clarity through peace. 

Death is synonymous with letting go of what doesn't work. 

What doesn't serve us. 

What no longer has a purpose for us. 

When we resist death we resist our authentic selves, and at times this is something I've done a lot of. I've clung to past shit because of my fear of the future without the familiarity of what once was. But in seeing what it really is and asking the real question of "how does this serve me now", I'm a little better at the determination of what to let go of. 

An example of this is letting go of dead friendships and coming to terms that not everyone is going to really fuck with me. It reminds me that I don't have to carry on the obligation to do things to please everyone in career, in love, or in friendship. So I can kill that. It's hard because relationships seem to strengthen me, but that's extra weight I don't need to carry. For once in my life I'm okay with being a ghost and being ghosted. 

The Tower Collapse is similar to death in that we have to let go and realize or remember that we are human and are susceptible to the flow of nature.

What goes up must come down as they say. Towers are about Structure, they stand tall, seemingly indestructible and sturdy, until they aren't. Towers have a foundation that may be faulty, and you know what else is like that? Thoughts and Beliefs. What we think and believe can be flawed from the start and cause our structures in life to crumble, all because we didn't know any better or we followed someone else's thoughts or belief on things and tried to make them our own. 

A foundation built on quicksand that sinks every time we gain momentum, only to prove that:

There's not enough to go around. 
I don't deserve any of this. 
I'm not good enough. 
This won't last. 
Something is bound to happen to take it away.

Those thoughts right there that filled up on my mind is what led to my foundation crumbling, a little at first, but more-so now that I've had time to focus inward and explore who I am and what must stay or go in life. No easy process. So that is what the Tower means for me, an upheaval of my negative bias and thoughts, even my fears which will take me quite a bit of time to overcome. They've been deeply buried inside my psyche locking me down in a reality that isn't me...a reality that must perish, and the way it must perish is to not be fed, so it can lose its strength and collapse. 

The Two of Swords is my Greatest Challenge

 To be confident in whatever choices I make and understanding no matter what I will get what I deserve and where I need to be. 

As I sit here, I think of all the characters I loved as a kid that wielded dual swords or blades. I think of Leonardo from Ninja Turtles, Usagi Yojimbo (iykyk), Assaj Ventress, Darth Maul (I saw the trailer for Shadow Lord and I cannot fucking wait!!!), and hell, even Kratos from God of War. 

Each one of these warriors flowed in their own way. They decided and reacted because they were bred for this through their experiences... Whether they won or they lost with varying degrees of consequences. 

They were never paralyzed by what ifs. It always came down to them wanting to live to see one more mission, one more day, one more victory to learn from and appreciate. Sure they had their motives and moralities, but in the end it's all the same: fuck what if, take action and leave the rest at nature's doorstep. 

I've made some bold choices last year that scared me. Decisions about friendships, love, family, loyalty, and my well being. I've hurt people along the way... disappointed them, which has always been a death sentence for the pleaser and peacemaker in me. But the choices I've made were based on how I felt at the time and... To be honest, I am tired of how I've flip flopped in life struggling to make the right choice because of my fears and broken beliefs. 

But with the swords in hand, I can flow in either direction, attack, defend, advance any way I see fit, and I'll still get to where I need to be. But if I continue to flip flop constantly, I'll  be fatigued like the dual wielder that can no longer hold up his or her weapons because they attacked wildly or just blocked and they became burdens rather than tools to be the victor.

Notes from the Field: This was definitely not what I expected to write but it worked out better than I thought 📝😊. 

What are your thoughts? 

Do you resonate with Death, The Tower or the Two of Swords? 

If so how? What messages do the cards tell you? 

Let me know in the comments. Till next time my fellow #outcasts thanks for joining me for this first chop of #DiscardedInsights

#IAmRonin