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"Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken." ~ Albert Camus |
Note from the Field: This was written and released on the former WRITEntanglement prior to Christmas, a time where people are supposed to come together with their loved ones- to love and have unity. Some of us, like myself, have lost loved ones. We've gotten out of relationships, fallen out with people we called friends, and even fight amongst our families. Some of us may even be at war within ourselves...in the midst of a shift in our lives that may jar or scare us to our core. May this post bring you comfort. I feel what you feel and I am with you. May this post help you heal and gain clarity.
Whats the worst part of a Relationship?
Many will say that the breakup takes the cake, the final kiss, the final goodbye if you're lucky.
But for the few, the worst part is long AFTER the split,
When a Hurt Heart starts to Heal.
This is one of the few times in our lives, when the heart, the mind and the soul are aligned like a heavenly night sky...
No clouds, a bright moon, plenty of stars.
But for some, there is nothing heavenly or divine about the process.
Its bleeding over and over again, moment to moment, day to day...until something within us clicks...
or maybe its our hearts finally freezing over,
the clicks are the cracks, never to be mended again.
Your Mind Reveals its Fractured
When a Hurt Heart Heals,
the inner voice is warped, gas-lit, confused.
A conglomerate of black, white, and red, a perfect Noir murder with you as the victim.
The inner critic your all-in-one investigator, highlight reel and hypnotist.
"This is whats best for you"
"You'll never find another love like that!"
"What the fuck were you thinking?"
"What could you have done differently?"
"Should you give them time? Maybe call them back?"
"Fuck them, its their fault...their loss, you're in the right."
But...what if you aren't? Doesn't it take two to dance?
What if what went wrong was a byproduct of you?
The insecurities that often knocked on your door, jolting you out of your consciousness faster than a notification from your socials.
Something from way back like old goods in a grocery store, left to run stale but never being moved or dealt with.
There it is...
the slap across the face leaving you warmer than a blush on your first date, a blanket on a snowy winter's night.
The broken arm dangling on your side from being thrown down the steps after he came home pissed because someone called him out at work.
The verbal lashings you took from her every-time she saw you texting someone else; the sanctity of your peace always dangled over your head and cast away by her and you're left going "what the fuck?"
How could you miss this and yet miss that (Read that again three times fast) ?
You ignored all the flags; wool over your eyes before the honeymoon phase even began.
There it is...
that voice, reminding you that its your fault...and that you'll always keep running into this pattern, this trap.
That same voice flipping the coin like Harvey Dent telling you with its second face "You need someone. You'll be alone if you don't get after it. Time's running out."
Your Soul Cries to Belong
When A Hurt Heart Heals,
the Soul cries out silently with Siberian springs for tears, reminding us that we are once again back at square one.
To some hopeless romantics you feel numb, worthless, unlovable. You question if there's something wrong with you. Your mind hints at patterns that your heart once blocked, and now you feel the weight of it inside.
You post on Social Media all about your woes. You silently sob when you see pictures of them in your devices or your feed. Hesitant to remove them because at one point in time maybe you saw them as an integral part of your life...
Seeing them or hearing their voice reminded you of how good you had it.
That you had love finally.
That you had someone that got you.
That you had your person and they had you.
Now you sit at the crossroads reminiscing and grieving the "loss" but not taking time to process the lesson.
The lesson that your soul tried to show you when you pushed it aside for the new toy that shined.
"You forgot about me. I'm always here" it would say
"Please don't leave me again. Listen to me."
"Bah, I don't have time for this." we say to ourselves, and go back to the drawing board.
Back to our curated narrative on the feeds, changing our status to "Single, who's ready to mingle."
But all that does is escape...and race against time.
But there's some that feel they know the lesson to learn, and go full monk mode. Flipping their lives 180, putting their goals and ambitions first and not wanting to connect with anyone because their peace is more valuable than another half ass relationship full of empty promises that pop on the screen but splatter after a few weeks like a pimple on a sitcom. Saying affirmations they don't really feel, believe or understand, praying, dieting, exercising, all the right things "they" tell you to do so you break through...but that's not healing, that's masking. We need people too. Whether we want to admit it or not. People and love...of ourselves and others. But the blinders are on, and the next person you cross won't be able to change your life.
You Become Primal, Unhinged, Feral
When A Hurt Heart Heals,
We have to FEEL whats buried deep inside of us, by way of emotions. We have to let them out. Talk them out with anyone we truly trust...but that doesn't come easy because talking can be seen as weakness or put you at risk to get "I told you so" from those that are supposed to have your back....or worse yet, you get IGNORED...and that's a shitty spot to be in.
Men are called simps for expressing the wounds they have when a relationship goes awry. They're told "fuck bitches get the money up and they will run to you."
Women are told "fuck him you don't need him, get your money and upgrade boo."
Something about what is expressed to you rots your soul away and somehow, someway you may take their advice. Go savage, feral, unhinged, rebel against the system, against everyone that shares any resemblance to the person you split with and make them pay.
Ah Vengeance, you colorful bastard. Quite the catalyst to Chaos if that's what you want. Some call it being "brand new", but is it "brand new" when the "old you" still hides within, ready til the fireworks are over and you crash out?
Ready after the rapid fire dates? The trips to the club? The drunken nights? The sexcapades? Saying fuck it two can play at that game, and really letting yourself go because you got it like that?
Don't run...the truth will always get you. Reality will always get you. That inner voice from your childhood will ALWAYS get to you.
You Always Seek a Backup or Escape Plan
When A Hurt Heart Heals,
it may seek to move on fast.
You may display fearlessness or callousness
But deep down you're seeking a way out.
A backup, a contingency.
For the next moment to go wrong.
When you move, you may have others to entertain so you feel safe.
You smile when you see the red flags creep up, knowing you have someone else lined up.
But its exhausting, and robbing you of your own loyalty.
You may even claim a sexual preference that you aren't,
just to line up the next best thing in your life.
Better yet, what if they pull a you on YOU,
and leave you for the next best option when they suspect you're doing it?
Then what?
You know damn well that stings even just a little, because one got away from you, rather than you walking away silently with another.
A never ending cycle of zero payoffs...until you say fuck it and stop.
You Fear the Stillness in The Dark
When A Hurt Heart Heals,
You may do everything you can to not grieve the loss, to not want to sit in moments of silence with yourself to dig in deep and reassess who you are and what really went down this time around. Humans are busy creatures and its frowned upon to sit still and do nothing. So you'll find anything to do.
You may listen to sad songs to blend with your emotions, but those sad songs trigger you with a chord or a verse that reminds you of what you just went through and are trying to avoid.
You may stay late after hours and pick up an extra side hustle or two to keep you busy.
Fuck it, get money, right?
Refusing to go back home because no one is waiting there for you but the walls and the clutter that the other partner would contribute to or help clean. All those work hours and you're still struggling to take care of yourself...and you wonder why you aren't optimal and why you're so pushy and irritable.
You lay down in bed and watch stupid ass reels that do nothing for you but give you a temporary dopamine hit. Maybe you'll even try your hands on a couple dating sites and flirt around. Even AI isn't off the table because conversations with AI can get spicy too...and yet when its all said and done, you're still alone with your thoughts.
Better yet, you shift to sexual content to get a few blanks off in your undergarments to give you that brief moment of relief...but when you get that post "uggghhh...fuck yes" clarity, whats the end result? Yep...you're still alone with your thoughts as you toss around in bed.
Distractions lead to delays in your process, which can lead to falling into the same situations with similar people and set you back to the beginners level yet again, pissed because you invested so much time and thought you made progress. But alas, its what you do. Its part of the process to realize how you avoid and cope with the loss. But there has to be something else you can do, right?
To Heal, Pay Attention to Yourself
When A Hurt Heart Heals,
Its best to pay attention to yourself,
Take your time and feel what you feel.
Write them down if you must.
Voice them in your phone.
Share them when YOU are ready with someone you trust
Losing a partner is painful indeed, but you can bounce back.
You owe it to yourself.
But above all else, spend that time with you. Give yourself the love you tried to pour or expected from the other person.
Dig into your fears:
Of being Abandoned because from childhood you got that
Of being Rejected because that's what your parents did to you
Of being Betrayed because every other partner did it to you
Of missing out because everyone else is happy and has someone, but you don't
Of the Future because you fear the possibility of being single forever
Of the Past because it could come back to bite you yet again if you allow it.
Have compassion for yourself at this stage in your life. Take from the experience what you will.
When something ends, it may or may not be a forever ending.
Maybe its a fork in the road for something better,
or it could mean that there is some growing to do before what was becomes something new, yet familiar for you.
You never know how the universe will work if you don't keep an open mind, an open heart, and a soul you're in touch with.
Don't forget that those who want to be there will be there. They will pick up on what you are doing and won't stand in your way. Who knows, maybe they will join you in their own way.
No matter what, all of this takes time.
A Hurt heart that heals must get to know and love itself.
Thats the Truth Between the Lines,
After the tears have dried
The time is now, for you to come back to love alive.
May this Memoir be a lesson; a memory you'll always recall.
#IAmRonin #OutCasts #OpenLoops #StillHere #Healing #Love #Relationships
Notes From the Field: We all have connections that have withered away. Relationships that we've been fucked or fucked someone over in ways we may not even realize. What was a painful relationship experience for you? What did it teach you about who you are and the way you love? Has it forced you to surrender and not seek it? Why or Why Not?
I'd love to hear your story in the comments. Thanks for being here with me.
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