Breakdowns Lead To Breakthroughs

 

Even when everything seems to go right, something must break down. Only then can we appreciate the Breakthroughs. 

What's Up My Outcasts.
It's been one hell of a week in the Ronin-space.

I've been on the path of healing my inner child for a few weeks, and this journey is definitely not for the weak. I'm realizing that maybe, just maybe, I have somethings that are repressed in my psyche, or maybe I'm purposely holding them back from release because I'm ashamed of it or really just don't know how to feel about any of it.

The problem with that is, my emotions are like a powder keg, waiting for the right moment to break like an accidentally dropped glass. Something about my life is on the verge of a big change, and it all stars from inside of me.  

Projected Hate and Loneliness

About two weeks ago, my first really strong breaking moment came at a time I was working. 

Tailyn was out in the living room trying to interact with her older sister, Maddy. This, of course, was much to the disdain of my son Terron. Terron started lashing out, the weaning off of the ADHD medication was also playing a factor in his boisterous attitude - a trauma response to Tailyn treating him like trash verbally over the past three years.

"Get away!"

"You're annoying!"

"Terrons doing this!" 

"You're a stupid idiot!" 

"Stop Yapping!"

All the usual sibling bickering that I'm sure you've heard before.

In the midst of the bickering back and forth, and the girls over exaggerated YouTube content creator-sequel screaming "into the chat", Trish tries to nudge them to head on in the room, ahead of me getting primed to say something, which I wasn't planning to at the time. Tailyn then went on to say something that hit me deeper than I would have liked.

"Yall Hate Me.Y'all never wanna see me laugh or be happy."

She said this,walked into the room and slammed the door at a quarter strength - her calling card in general, not necessarily because she's angry or upset (she's a Cap,nuff said)

I think I was in a mix of shock and "what the fuck did she just say?" Not in an angry way, but in a twisted kind of way. 

The kind that makes you go back through time, or remember someone that once said that same line and you realized that they were a loner trying to have a moment to express themselves.

Those words continued to echo within me like never before, and at the time I started reflecting on some things that I had been reading recently, like the Memoir entitled Heavy, and an updated version of King, Warrior, Magician, Lover in which a theme was how the inner child in many of us ends up emotionally wounded because the needs of the child weren't met.

Because they want to be seen, heard, and appreciated so they do what they feel must be done to warrant the attention they so deeply need...and to be honest, at least in the emotional space, they were unconsciously denied that because I'd forgotten what it was like to receive that...or maybe I never received it fully even though my mom tried to be a double parent in the absence of my Father.

But the feeling of this provocation burst was so deep, and it was making me feel the heaviest of beats in my heart. I visualized talking to her, but I couldn't find the right words I wanted to say other than:

"What you said really hit me deep."

As the words continued to replay in my mind, my inner child nudged me to talk to her, and express myself. At this time I felt like I was going to cry - and I did.

I went inside her room, a polite knock at first of course and asked if it was okay to speak with her about something.

I sat down on the bed,sighed, and I just let it flow. In that moment I didn't know what I was exactly going to say other than the opening line.

As I told her how hard that hit me...I shifted into me knowing how it felt to be alone...to separate yourself to keep peace to yourself and keep yourself away from trouble even though deep down you want to be seen, heard, appreciated, and loved.

I know what it's like to feel like you have no one to talk to. No friends to lean on when you need an ear to listen....

And in those words...I broke down and balled my eyes out...speaking from the soul.

Speaking about how guilty I felt about how we've parented and how we don't do much of anything anymore because we work so hard to break even, trying to save up for the move we so desperately deserve.

How guilty I felt that her and Terron couldn't get along and how deeply it hurt to see them fight so easily and so much...feeling the need to compete and to be right....the difficulty of understanding that we all need each other and that there would come a time where that need would come to fruition.

What really had me balling was when I said I knew what it was like to be in her shoes...to be so frustrated because she has no outlet and she's an outcast...even now I feel that way....and it was in that moment that I realized this truth...

I was speaking from the heart of my wounded inner child. It wasn't me...it was my younger self. It all came flooding in like a wave. I hoped that my words punctured her armored skin because I did see her try to hide her tears as well...I couldn't. 

I just wanted her to see the side of me that actually gave a shit...the part that actually felt emotions...the part of me that wanted to be open and bleed out all of this pressure that I felt for decades...a part of me she didn't really know but I hope she understands now.

Some of you may say you shouldn't have done that because you went into your feminine. Or that I bitched out or went sissy for crying and sharing how I felt. 

That I am a man and I'm supposed to stand tall and barrel through that shit with tough love. Stick my chest out and control and all of that...

But I didn't want to do any of that this time. I wanted her to see that I was a true human being...that I had feelings too, as does everyone else she tries to verbally bark at or push her way through.

I wanted her to get a sense that Daddy gives a fuck about her and the rest of his family, and he's willing to peel the curtain back because of it.

Tailyn mentioned that she was joking with what he said about everyone hating her....but there was, I think, a grain of truth in that - a belief she built for herself in the absence of family love, a curse I really want to break...which will lead to one of my breakdowns later on.

I hugged her, barely able to see, kissed her on the forehead and told her that I loved her and I am dedicated to helping to make things better for all of us and establishing harmony again. She was quiet, and rightfully so...it was a lot for her to take in, especially the fact that I spoke from my wounded heart and cried so damn hard in front of her. 

Something I may need to do far more often, at least the being vulnerable part, which in some ways is foreign to me in person.

 A Mountain Before the Breakthrough

 Two days ago as of this writing, I'd been researching on Lenormand Cards and figuring out how they relate to Tarot Cards. In doing so, I created a new morning ritual, where I pull a Tarot Card to represent  my inner drive, two Lenormand Cards reflecting the environment and my surroundings, and an Oracle Card to tie everything together with some guidance to consider. 

I call this my Street BEATS, which I think is pretty catchy.

My first go, I pulled a Three of Pentacles, which I interpreted as taking inventory of my life. Inventory can include the skills I have, things I want to discover, even more things about myself (hidden wounds). I also took it as a sign to study. To plan.

For my Lenormand Cards, I pulled the Animus and the Mountain, which when put together I interpreted as Strengthening my Masculine Essence, or hurdles associated with it's development or growth. A nudge to to rely on my inner guidance and contingencies to navigate the negative vibes I'll have to contend with. Things like Finances (especially with the need for funding to move), Child raising, my own inner healing (not going "fast enough"), and family rebuilding.

Lastly, the Oracle drop mentioned "Remember, you can't change anyone but yourself." I needed to focus on me, and not on the people around me necessarily. To refrain from what does not work or serve me for the greater good. A reminder to not blame anyone or the circumstances. To fall back to my plan and my innermost self.

 The Call Triggered An Eruption

Later that day, I called my mom to check on her, and we ended up getting into a heated exchange of words that shook me to my core in a way I didn't expect. 

For a long time I hid the shadow of my innermost life and family because in my mind, I felt like if I really showed her how things were going (and what I'd been through) that I would be judged for the directions I took. I carried a lot because of my fear of disapproval from her LONG AFTER I was a child in her home. 

Let me break it down this way. 

My mom raised me to be what a man was supposed to be back in the day. To be smart, clean, dress like one, take care of my children, etc. You would think there's no issue with that. 

 But - my mom doesn't know that I was homeless at one point....that I lost my home to foreclosure...that I separated and am trying to patch things up with my partner. My mom is someone that has a good heart, but when it comes to other people, she has been scorned and is distrusting of them.

Through my childhood and teenage years, my Father was gone going through his own journey. Mom alone was the "super" parent, influenced by the traditional teachings of the bible, a stern living reminder to "Honor thy Father and Thy Mother, so that your days will be long upon the land." 

That perfect storm, which also led to us being homeless when I was younger, it closed her off to people. Whenever I'd share with her things about my struggles with love, etc, she'd get into mom mode and curse them in her own way. 

Fast forward, I told her about my plan to move and I mentioned that the "lot" of us (including my Wife, whom she doesn't know we're trying to work things out...I'll get to that) would be going to start our lives over. She questioned that.

My timing was shitty mentioning that because she just mentioned that she was down and feeling disappointed because my brother (RIP) and I didn't see her as much as she wanted. She didn't get to see her grandchildren as much as she wanted. She felt isolated and abandoned, and to be honest, I get that. I just felt I had to break the news because I felt it was time to start shattering my own armor of fear that held me in a choke hold (check out my last entry by the way). 

I found myself emboldened at that moment, and it was so fucking scary to open up about me. I told her a bitter truth that set off the argument. I told her that for the longest time I didn't want to bring the kids there because I was terrified of getting the look and words of Judgement from her regarding how I raised them. 

I know what you're saying.

That's fucking cold for you to say to your mother.

 Her opinion shouldn't matter, it's your life and they are Your kids.

You're right on both counts.

But the wounded inner child in me was finally speaking after years of being closed off and harbored away. 

I was deathly afraid of the disappointment of my mom for my life decisions.  To move farther away from her not for beef, but to progress and afford to actually fucking live!

Like my wounded truth came out with Tailyn, my truth came out to my mom, and for once I didn't care what the backlash was, I wanted her to know.

I don't remember exactly how the words came out during the back and forth, but there was something my mom said that was a stab to my inner child, almost like when she mentioned "Naive and Gullible" to me when I was in my teens, as a means to get me to open my eyes and see life...to learn. It was a poison I drank subconsciously for years. 

 I took it as though I was, and I slowly became passive aggressive because of it up until recently. It made me want to force myself to grow up. To be a man by way of having no flaws...being perfect and confident in everything I did. To punch criticism in the face and get tough....that didn't work out the way it was anticipated, and I didn't interpret what she said in the right context because I was younger and didn't really experience life yet. 

But what she said to me when I mentioned that I was leaving and for once I wanted to make the best available choice for me, or something to that effect, she said: 

"You're following their expectations."

It was an arrow to the heart that turned my eyes black and red. 

I was provoked to madness, immediately cutting her off and demanding she tell me who's expectations I was really following.

She danced around the question, switching it to the expectations of my children, but I knew what she meant. 

She still saw me as that little boy that wanted to be seen and heard so badly by his peers because he wasn't really seen or heard at home. He was following the expectations of the only fucking person that really held the fate of my life in her hands...my Mother...and I told her that in a not so nice way.

As I was going off on the phone, I realized it like a whisper...this is what the Street Beats was talking about. This was my struggle of masculinity, dealing with the untapped clap-back of my wounded inner child. With my mom also being wounded (though she didn't want to admit it at ALL), we were two walls at war. 

We were throwing verbal haymakers at each other, both wounded and trying to be right. Trying to elevate the tales of our suffering, to no avail. I was in a rage...she was brokenhearted by my comment of being afraid of failing her, and I went through my entire life afraid to fail other because I was afraid to fail HER. 

No child wants to fail their parents, and in the pit of my chest I felt like though I lived life the way I could at the time, if she knew the full truth of me and what I went through, she would give me that look that would sink me back into the abyss of childhood. 

It would shrink my worth and would reinforce every critical thing I said to myself whenever I made a mistake or met a challenge that effected the well-being and security of my family. 

But only if I let it...and I wasn't about to let that happen. Not anymore.

I still can't believe I said it. To tell her that the only person I really wanted to impress and follow the expectations of was her, and now I see her face in everyone I've crossed paths with.

So I weaponized myself to not be UNCERTAIN. To not be WEAK. To be what was perceived to be A MAN. 

For the first time in over a decade, my mother broke and cursed at me. 

"Max I'm fucking sorry for ruining your life!"

That wasn't what I wanted. 

That wasn't the goal. 

I didn't want her to break in desperation...I wanted her to understand that I wanted to make a change. To heal my wounds I didn't realize I still had from childhood. 

She never treated me badly. She busted her ass for me, but the environment I was in: A broken African American home rich in religion, but deficient in other ways - that is what changed me. 

A Parents worst nightmare is to know their child is struggling to do anything. To this day, my mom still worries about me...she's a mother after all. But me, I know my mother is hurting in many ways she won't admit as well.

The guilt of not doing more.
The grief of surviving the death of  her first-born child.
The reality of getting older and reflecting on a life that didn't go according to plan
The heaviness of a surviving son finally admitting what he's been coming to terms with for so long.
The feeling of not being wanted around even though she's kept herself away from people out of past betrayals and being manipulated and used. 

The cycle that's held my family in a choke hold...a curse I want to break, and yet my attempts may have already damaged my own children, stripping them of their joy because of me being so direct,not doing much of anything with them because my inner child couldn't connect with theirs like all the other good parents they advertise on TV and Podcasts.

My plan wasn't to blame. I just wanted to come clean....instead all this hurt caused a breakdown...one of the worst one's we'd ever had.

 The Aftermath

After hanging up on my mother, I felt the lightning bolts in my chest. 

I did it. I spoke my truth...and yet I was so ashamed that I lost it like that.

Sure I was wounded, but I could have said what I said differently. It didn't have to escalate.

But what's done, was done.

My mom and I were able to patch things up after we had a cool off period of a few hours. 

I am not a fan of conflict by any means, and yet I have that fiery Aries Moon in me that will go off if and whenever is needed. 

But I also understand that what happened that day came from a deep place of hurt and I was starting to bleed out to cleanse that wound. 

I wish my mom could admit that too, but she is from a different era...a different upbringing. She did break down and cry on the phone and declared she wants no more fighting with me, as she seems that it was all she ever did with her son's as they got older. 

I shrugged that off, but I understood and let her say her peace.

For hours less than 60 seconds, she cried and I heard and felt her pain. I stood silent outside, just listening, and I told her that her and I are in a better place because of this. 

That all I wanted to do is break free and start over. Start fresh and repair that which was damaged between myself and the entirety of the family. I assured her that whatever choices I made would be for that purpose, and that she need not worry. 

That I am far more capable now than I was before and I will do my part to see my plans through. 

That I am resilient.
That she raised a good son that Is a Good MAN.
I just need some help and consistency to remind myself of that...
and it starts from within.

As I continue my break down, I'm one step closer on the path towards my break through!

Notes From the Field: This was a hard one to write. Seems like all my entries are pretty heavy doesn't it? That and it also seems like I'm so...critical of myself. Thats part of the wound that I am healing.

Lets talk for a bit. Tell me about a breakdown that you've had recently. 

If you haven't had a breakdown yet, what is something you feel will break you down? 

What are your thoughts or feelings toward having a breakdown?

Have you had to step in and be of support to someone that did?

Please share some tea with me... I could use some new flavor on this journey. Until the next rest point.