A LEVEL UP In the Game of Life

Self -Evolution can come in many different ways and at different times.

But when it hits, your life changes forever. 

 

Have you ever hit a point in your life where you woke up one day and decided that things felt or needed to be different?

Have you ever been in the middle of doing something: Speaking to a friend or family member or writing something and something stops you?

When something you used to enjoy is now seen in a different light like it isn't you anymore?

I think we all have moments like that. For me it's usually a Bob and weave. A step out for a moment before a step back in.

But lately my friends, I feel like something within me has clicked, and to be honest, it's long overdue.

Over the past few weeks I've continued to look inward and question why I've done things the way I have for so many years.

Why I saw things the way I did, in so many faucets of my lifetime. 

Many of those things which either scarred me or left a nasty taste in the mouth of my mind.

I'm not sure what has come over me in such a short amount of time, but I am finally changing in a more grounded way and I wanted to share with you my transformation as best I can.

The Street Beats - As Within So Without

Change like this doesn't just come from nowhere, though in some ways it feels like it.

As I mentioned in my last post, I adopted a new ritual Called the Street Beats using Tarot, Lenormand, and an Oracle Card for a guiding line each day to piece everything together full circle. These little morning sessions pulling and interpreting cards led to me thinking about elements of my past that may have went awry, as well as what lays ahead for my day to day journey (in my inner and outer worlds). 

Using the cards allows me to pull from my intuition, not as a way to predict the future, but as a way that I enjoy to learn more about myself, encourage myself, and grow through symbolism and trusting my own interpretations.

Definitely the highlight of my morning, even if the cards pulled are hard to swallow.

Rebirth of the King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover in Me

I recently finished reading a modernized interpretation of the classic book on Masculinity entitled King, Warrior, Magician, Lover  -  a book that helped me realize not only some of the origins of my flaws, but also understanding the true potential of the masculine gifts I already possess, so long as I am willing to put them into practice. 

Each archetype has it's own function, but they all work together to create the whole experience of who a man is and is supposed to be based on his King Vision. 

Reading this book really made me question my own values, beliefs, and directions through the lens of what was already done, and how I need to move (or would like to move) in the future. It all starts from the Sovereign. What I envision. In the military, it can be described as the Commanders Intent. With this set of values, a mission statement can be forged - what the fuck do I want to do within the realm of life? What is my true purpose and what must I do to get there? From there it's a matter of delegation to put the plan into action. 

The Magician in us uses his skills to research and experiment towards the King's vision. 

The Warrior gets his guidance from the King, and the trial data from the Magician and charges into action, which gives the Magician more data to tinker with, the King can adjust direction as needed, and the Lover can enjoy the wholeness of life as it all comes together. 

A King cannot rule without a love for life...a love for what he has, and in my own life I realize that I do NOW have the love that I so desperately sought after, which was one of my biggest flaws that led me here. 

After reading this version of the book, I looked at my life differently and truly acknowledged that I was not the only man alone that was dealing with deficiency in his masculinity. Many men are good at either moving past it or masking it in false flags and masks until something pokes at their triggers and they snap - I know this all too well about myself. 

My passive aggressiveness in pursuit of perfection and the appearance of macho has been diabolical work; a broken tool that I kept using to the point it dealt blows to my family dynamic. 

Into the Shadow of Scarcity

This is probably the biggest catalyst to change for me, the Shadows that I tried so hard to control or hide, but would always show themselves so fluently at the worst possible times,especially when over thinking on the worst case scenarios.

I've come to realize that on the opposite side of my values, or rather life focus areas, are where my deepest and unfavorable qualities lay.

I've struggled with, and have, a reinforced scarcity mindset from being raised in poverty, being homeless as a child, and self sacrificing for my family in the form of putting myself into homelessness after losing everything. 

And yet, losses scared the shit out of me. 

Losses meant that something went wrong under my leadership and that my manhood was anything but - at least that is how I saw and interpreted things. 

Every glimpse of struggle pulled me back into the thoughts of not having enough...and it was so easily pulled back that it made me feel worthless. 

I've been working on ways to be grateful and see things from a different lens. Everything I have money-wise, I say I am grateful x many more times because I have it and this Game of Life. Whenever I spend something, I say to the Universe that I'm grateful for the x amount I put towards my family to get what we need. It actually gets me to smile, even when my account is in the double digits,which is scary AF to even think about. 

But even with the fear of struggle and not having enough or not providing enough, my family and I have been blessed somehow through this practice of looking at the sunnier side of the equation. Sure, things are expensive and the budget may grow tighter day to day, but we have one another and our needs are met.

That is Wealth right there. 

We're all healthy. We all are able to move around and do things. 

Remember that situation with the taxes I went off about two weeks ago? It's been handled. The Universe smiled at us and said "See? We told you...preserve your faith, it can and will go a long way," and it did. With it we can move to the next chapter in our lives!

 The Quest for Love

A shadow equally as big has been my journey with romantic relationships and how I see them. 

Love itself wasn't the issue, but rather my quest to overcompensate for a lack of it.  

That lack originated from unmet needs even though my mom did the best she could with whatever she had to give. Somewhere in me was a defect that I could not fathom, and in my coming of age, I chased. I became desperate to have someone that would "love" who I am. And so, I did what any man without a father at home would do - learn to chase females. 

My peers seemed to get girls easily. But I had the hardest time being seen as attractive. As I got older and more in tuned with myself, I came to realize that the scars ran deeper than my needs not being met. It was growing up in a broken home that added to the moniker. I didn't want to be like my father. I wanted to love right. I wanted to be there for those I loved. This became my narrative the moment my father left home. I became my mom's emotional safeguard. If I did right, she would love me and I would be safe. All would be as it needed to be. That drive for the love of my mother bled into other people: friends and people I dated or even flirted or messed with.  

Somehow I came to feel that I wasn't like the other dudes...that I wasn't good enough and that my efforts to love and be noticed would be anything but in the eyes of the other person after a time. First girl I was in a real relationship with, I was surprised because she crushed on me so much...it overwhelmed me to the point I felt like she was it...one and done. But somewhere along the lines, the long distance, the age difference, and the rejection from both sets of parents would terrify me enough to sabotage the relationship and step out for someone else...a move that not only shattered her heart, but would also be the anvil that forged the continuous pattern of being in love for the high points, and ending things when it got too tough, or when I felt that I would eventually not be good enough for them and would get rejected. 

Something I refuse to hide. Something I am far from proud of. 

For many years of my life this would be the pattern...the safeguard...to protect myself in a way that hurt myself as well as the other people. I have a long list of relationships that went left by my hands, and those where the other person beat me to it and stabbed me in the middle of my heart, leaving me to accept my fate through tears as the victim rather than the villain in the story all along. 

I used to think I needed love round the clock, with lots of messages, letters, cuddles, and attention. It created the standard of necessity for me and anything less than what I expected was seen as the end with another broken heart - a mild mannered monster. This would lead to the end of my marriage...until I was nudged and realized that something had to shift about the way I saw partnership.

I had to look inward and ask myself the impossible question of WHY many times to make sure my answers and findings were consistent...and they were...it stemmed from perceived lack rather than realization that the real love I needed came in the form of acceptance of self and whoever wanted to be present in my life the way I wanted to be present in theirs. 

I had a few come to "Jesus"moments, where I realized that it was time to retire the chase. I know I said it many times to myself, but I never pulled the trigger to send the bullet through the mask of my reflection with the tinted rose-colored glasses. I had to remind myself - No, show myself that love is in me. That love is around me. That the chase was not better than the peace of the present that I still had with my Wife. 

I had to stop being afraid of committing to the present so a future could be forged better than the past I saw as a kid. I had to come to terms with inner me to understand that maybe the person I need to be with most is right here already. Love isn't just romance. Love is the full spectrum journey of persons experiencing some form of connection. It's not always about cuddles, letters, or sex. It's about the silences that said more than enough in a peaceful way. It's about the team-up during the hardships - the common solutions forged together through mutually beating hearts, calibrated minds and vulnerable souls. It's about putting the bullshit aside and deciding that unity is more important that false unmet expectations such as perfection at every corner of life.

It's about realizing that you came from a place of confusion and fear terrified of losing the other person as well as hurting them because you didn't know what it truly meant to love and be loved.

My Wife and I had a few heart to hearts over the years and we both admitted our shortfalls, which wasn't easy for me at all. But now as I sit, after everything I'd done, after everyone I either got left by or I hurt in some way turning out to be someone that wasn't after all - I realize that it's time to accept the peace that is and let the rest be. To appreciate what is here and now, moment to moment. I have that chance now to do this right, without the itch to see the grass greener on the other side, and for me that is a big thing.  Looking back, I didn't want to be that version of me anymore. So I won't be.

Putting My Inner Critic on Notice

For the longest time, I've been critical of myself - For my decisions, moves, and shortfalls. When someone suggests something to me that I can improve, I instantly would take that as something that is wrong with me - a feast for the shadowy form of me, the inner critic. 

Even now as I wrote this, I am battling back against my inner critic because of my written work being critiqued for the first time by peers in the writing space. Each of us writing novels we want to publish, we offer suggestions and comments to get us to think and also to feel good about the process as we learn more about our trade craft. 

But woe my inner critic, seeing the markups and the feedback about things not lining up, confusion, lack of context, misunderstandings on characters and goals - things I thought I had ironed out on the premise of putting my best foot forward and being confident in my abilities. 

Fear of inadequacy struck first. Then, my inner critic sprouted from the roots of my mind and ego and reinforced whispers of what I thought was true for a long time. 

"These mistakes are costing you." 
"So much for you being a writer." 
"No one understands you." 
"You're too complex for people to get." 
"No one's gonna buy your shit. It'll be a waste looking like this." 
"Better figure it out and fast before time runs out." 
"How did you not know this? You're supposed to be the Ronin That Writes, Right?" 

It's been more than writing where I've struggled with the constant nudge to be just like or better than everyone else... But how can that be? I'm supposed to be me! 

I want to be free from that. To trust myself to evolve on my own pace without feeling like I'm a failure or I need to catch up, or that I need to do the most to get people on board with me or what I create. 

My life and lively hood depends on me putting my inner critic in its place, with reminders how damn good I am now and will be as the lessons are learned through the shortfalls, the fuck ups, and the mistakes. 

I have to find satisfaction and joy in the flaws, and for me that's been really hard because I've never wanted to be seen as flawed. 

But isn't that where stories are truly forged? The greatest comebacks through the veil of vulnerability?  

That's what makes us mortals superhuman. Our vulnerability raises the stakes so that our lives carry more weight and meaning. Saying this and truly embracing it are two very different things but I will get there. I must get there. 

I won't commit suicide of my legacy by way of self sabotage. So instead of tearing down out of fear, I'll reconstruct and repair with love that which was lost. 

The real, hidden, suppressed version of Me.

 Give me my damn XP, because I'm Leveled  Up!

#IAmRonin #StillHere #Outcasts #CompassChecks #OpenLoops #LevelUp 

Notes from the Field - Whats up my Outcasts! Thank you as always for stopping by and supporting this healing journey. Its a lot to take in and make sense of, but I am getting there - and hope that you are too!

Talk to me, where are you in your Game of Life journey? Where do you feel you need to level up? How can you gain your XP? Please share with me in the comments!  

Check me out on Blue Sky Social as maxroninthatwrites .